Wednesday 22 July 2015

The inside of a mouth is a more pleasant place to work than the inside of an arse


“It gets worse before it gets better”, said the vet to his new apprentice as they arrived at Donaldson’s Farm with appointment’s to see the dairy herd and the rare breed pigs. The apprentice blanched and once again regretted not quite making the grades needed for the dentistry course. 



Monday 20 July 2015

Write your own list, ffs

There is a template in MS Word for a business trip checklist.

I’m not sure how much to say about this, the full horror is reproduced below for your pleasure.


What I will say is how badly do you have to be failing at organising your life that you need Microsoft to remind you to sort out care for your children?



Sunday 19 July 2015

Abigail & Bevan

A chill ran through Abigail’s spine. She had returned from the launderette with her regular service wash and was engaged in the tedium of putting the clean washing away. The first item she had pulled from the crisp nylon bag was a pair of socks. Off-white, though originally crisp white, with a blue and red band around the top. These were a fairly unremarkable pair of sports socks, of men’s sports socks. As a career minded singleton in her third decade Abigail had no man in her life, certainly not one that would maintain a relationship with a sports sock long enough for it to age to such an extent.

Abigail glanced down into the launderette’s bag and even at a cursory glance she could see that the bag of washing Mr Williams had passed to her over the Formica worktop of Suds Launderette earlier that day did not contain one blouse or chemise belonging to her. Her face fell and her mind raced to wonder which individual had received her washing and where her power wardrobe of upper high street brand clothing now resided. A grave feeling of powerlessness swept over her as she looked at the clock 7:18pm and on a Saturday, it would be over 36 hours before she could return to Suds in the hope of rectifying this terrible occurrence.


Little did Abigail know that but 3 streets over Bevan was having a similar, yet more powerful experience as a result of this mistake born in the heat of the lunch hour rush at Suds launderette. Bevan had always had a complicated relationship with his gender identity, something that the societal pressure to conform had always kept a lid on. However the untying of the coarse handles of the laundry bag had also untied feelings Bevan had been suppressing for years. As he gazed down at clean, light fabrics of a female wardrobe the tumblers of his mind started to click into place, starting him on the long journey to self-fulfillment. Abigail would have been scandalised, not over Bevan’s gender crises, but at how much better he was able to wear that strappy dress from Zara




Saturday 18 July 2015

Enthusiasm & clear direction is the key to success


Down

Down

Left a bit

A bit more

There!

That’s it, right there

Yes

That’s it

Harder

Harder

Up a bit

Faster

Oh, yes

Yes

Yes

YES


Say what you like about Terry Danielson, he was an enthusiastic instructor with the sandblaster